Halloween

October 21^st was Declan’s official due date and that day was hard, but this week has been hard too.  From the moment we knew a “due date” I just assumed he would be born about Halloween since Elsie was about 10 days late.  When people would ask when I was due, I would just tell them Halloween.  We had planned to dress up all as a family as Despicable Me 2.  The girls would be the little girls, my husband and I would dress up and Declan was supposed to be our little minion.  I even had a tiny minion hat knitted for him.  It is so hard to keep up a happy face for the girls today.  I’m supposed to have a tiny baby snuggled with me while we celebrate and go trick-or-treating.  We changed our costumes because the thought of still going as that was too hard.  

Will Halloween always be sad now?  It used to be one of my favorite holidays.  Nathan and I had our first date on Halloween.  We sat in my dorm room and watched scary movies on this day 10 years ago.  Hard to believe it has been that long.

I feel like every time I get through one hard day there is another day looming.  All the holidays and events that I used to look forward to, I am now dreading.  Just the thought of Christmas makes me want to puke.  I just can’t get my ahead around the fact that this is not going to end.  Mostly I can get lost in the daily stuff, but it still isn't the same.  And so many things trigger the tears.