Thursday, October 31, 2013


October 21st was Declan’s official due date and that day was hard, but this week has been hard too.  From the moment we knew a “due date” I just assumed he would be born about Halloween since Elsie was about 10 days late.  When people would ask when I was due, I would just tell them Halloween.  We had planned to dress up all as a family as Despicable Me 2.  The girls would be the little girls, my husband and I would dress up and Declan was supposed to be our little minion.  I even had a tiny minion hat knitted for him.  It is so hard to keep up a happy face for the girls today.  I’m supposed to have a tiny baby snuggled with me while we celebrate and go trick-or-treating.  We changed our costumes because the thought of still going as that was too hard.  

Will Halloween always be sad now?  It used to be one of my favorite holidays.  Nathan and I had our first date on Halloween.  We sat in my dorm room and watched scary movies on this day 10 years ago.  Hard to believe it has been that long.

I feel like every time I get through one hard day there is another day looming.  All the holidays and events that I used to look forward to, I am now dreading.  Just the thought of Christmas makes me want to puke.  I just can’t get my ahead around the fact that this is not going to end.  Mostly I can get lost in the daily stuff, but it still isn't the same.  And so many things trigger the tears.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013


More than any other feeling over the last almost 6 weeks I have felt exhausted.  Most of my days I walk around numb inside.  Sometimes the sadness overwhelms me and sometimes I rage at everything and everyone.  However, I am exhausted all the time.  I thought that I knew what exhaustion was before this, but my years of sleep deprivation with small children doesn't hold a candle to this.
Nathan and I attended a prayer service a couple weeks ago for National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day.  The priest was talking about speaking with his sister who had lost her baby and how she described just being tired.  That carrying this huge weight around all the time was so exhausting.  That sums it up perfectly.  I'm tired.  My heart hurts so much that my head can't begin to process all of this.  I am constantly walking around in a tired fog, surrounded by guilt.