Thankfulness Day 6: Declan

Today I am thankful for my son.  I am thankful that I got to carry him for 8 months, which was far too short. I am grateful for every kick and roll that I got to feel.  I am very thankful for the hours that we got to hold him in our arms and say good-bye.  I am thankful that I believe that I will get to see my sweet Declan again in Heaven.  I am very grateful for my friend, Kim, who was able to come up and take these photos for us.  I miss my little guy.

Thankfulness Day 5: Elsie

Today I am thankful for my Elsie Piper.  I love that goofball girl.  She is silly and sweet and a whole lot of sassy.  I am thankful for her silliness.  She quite often makes everyone giggle during stressful moments.  I am thankful for her constant business even though it makes me crazy.  She has a big heart and LOVES babies and animals.  I am thankful that she is quite a chatterbox for her age.  She has to keep up with her big sisters and is very insulted if left out of anything.

Thankfulness Day 4: Calina

Today I am thankful for my second born.  Calina Jean is a sweet, energetic girl with very big emotions.  I am very thankful for her constant snuggles and hugs, especially the last few weeks.  She and I speak the same love language so I am grateful for her snuggles.  She is funny, smart, and dances to the beat of her own drum.  I am thankful for her unique fashion sense and how she has blossomed into quite the stubborn spitfire since starting school this year.

Thankfulness Day 3: Fiona

Today I am thankful for Fiona.  Almost 5 years ago she made me a mommy and it has been a wonderful adventure.  She is so kind hearted and generous.  She keeps me on my toes constantly with her intelligence and high energy levels.  She is a social butterfly.  I am thankful that she is such a sweet, caring big sister and friend.

Thankful Day 2: Magnificent Treasures

Today I am thankful for my bow business and all the amazing people who have supported me in this adventure.  I love that I have the ability to be creative and crafty, while making some money for extra things for my family.  I love getting to go to craft shows and meet new people.  Plus, I have a pretty fantastic craft show partner.  I am blessed that I get to make a little extra money doing something that I really enjoy doing.  It gives me an outlet for my creativity and is often a stress reliever after a busy day with the kids.

Thankful 2013 Day 1

I am thankful for Nathan.  Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of our first real date (I don't count the sort of dates and years of just being friends before that).  I found my soul mate and my best friend in him.  He is my rock.  He teaches me patience.  He has the ability to make me laugh when I am in my darkest places.  He holds me when I need to cry.  God knew what he was doing when he sent Nathan into my life and I am grateful to have such a fantastic partner in life.  We have walked a busy road the last 10 years and our life has gone through a lot of changes.  I can't wait to see where the next 10 take us.

Halloween

October 21^st was Declan’s official due date and that day was hard, but this week has been hard too.  From the moment we knew a “due date” I just assumed he would be born about Halloween since Elsie was about 10 days late.  When people would ask when I was due, I would just tell them Halloween.  We had planned to dress up all as a family as Despicable Me 2.  The girls would be the little girls, my husband and I would dress up and Declan was supposed to be our little minion.  I even had a tiny minion hat knitted for him.  It is so hard to keep up a happy face for the girls today.  I’m supposed to have a tiny baby snuggled with me while we celebrate and go trick-or-treating.  We changed our costumes because the thought of still going as that was too hard.  

Will Halloween always be sad now?  It used to be one of my favorite holidays.  Nathan and I had our first date on Halloween.  We sat in my dorm room and watched scary movies on this day 10 years ago.  Hard to believe it has been that long.

I feel like every time I get through one hard day there is another day looming.  All the holidays and events that I used to look forward to, I am now dreading.  Just the thought of Christmas makes me want to puke.  I just can’t get my ahead around the fact that this is not going to end.  Mostly I can get lost in the daily stuff, but it still isn't the same.  And so many things trigger the tears.

Exhausted

More than any other feeling over the last almost 6 weeks I have felt exhausted.  Most of my days I walk around numb inside.  Sometimes the sadness overwhelms me and sometimes I rage at everything and everyone.  However, I am exhausted all the time.  I thought that I knew what exhaustion was before this, but my years of sleep deprivation with small children doesn't hold a candle to this.
Nathan and I attended a prayer service a couple weeks ago for National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day.  The priest was talking about speaking with his sister who had lost her baby and how she described just being tired.  That carrying this huge weight around all the time was so exhausting.  That sums it up perfectly.  I'm tired.  My heart hurts so much that my head can't begin to process all of this.  I am constantly walking around in a tired fog, surrounded by guilt.