New Website!

I've been busy, busy, busy crafting and making the jump from Etsy to a new website!

Check out all my Minnie Ears, Unicorn Horns, and all kinds of hair bows!

https://magnificenttreasuresbows.com/

Most days lately just speed along.  We've gotten used to our new normal.  My heart ache is just a dull throb in the background of life.  However, as I am marching along, sometimes a day sneaks up and hits my like a 2x4 to the stomach.  The pain and sadness roar their ugly heads and I can't remove myself from the fetal position on the couch.  The most random things can trigger the start of one of these days.  They happen far more frequently around the 21st of each month, with more intensity as we slowly crawl towards the anniversary of the worst day of my life.  Days like today when the tears fall silently all day long.  I try to save the sobbing for times when I'm alone and won't scare the girls so much.  Sometimes I cry even harder because it just isn't fair for them either.  I want them to have their happy mommy back.  I want them to not have to see mommy cry so often.  I hate that they are so well acquainted with sadness and death.
Life has sure been beating us down this year.  My prayer is for peace.  Peace for my family throughout the stresses this year has thrown at us.  Peace for Nathan and I in our sorrow.

My Nightmare

The last couple of days that last doctors appointment keeps playing on repeat in my brain.  It was supposed to be a day filled with nervous excitement.  We were supposed to be scheduling the day that we would meet Declan face to face, instead it turned into my personal hell.
That week on Tuesday I had a NST (non-stress test) and for the first time he didn't have a reactive heart strip in the first 15 minutes.  That isn't always a problem, sometimes baby is just sleeping.  The tech pulled out the ultrasound wand and after several minutes of poking and prodding got him to move enough times that I got to leave.  The rest of the day Declan was pretty quiet.  Part of me worried, but I was still getting enough movement on kick counts and I knew that the girls had always had these quiet days during pregnancy also.  I hoped it meant he was growing and growing.  Wednesday he still wasn't quite as active as he normally was, but still passing kick counts.  Thursday he started moving more normally and breathed a big sigh of relief.  I remember working very late on clips Thursday night and just enjoying the feeling of him rolling and doing somersaults.  I had trouble sleeping Thursday night.  I was up and down and just feeling anxious.
In hindsight, I wonder if Tuesday was the first sign that something was wrong.  I have wished a million times over that I had insisted on seeing the doctor on Tuesday or Wednesday when my gut was saying something was wrong.  They probably would have dismissed me, but it is hard to let go of that guilt.
Friday morning I was up early with the girls and running around trying to prepare for being gone for the day.  My mother-in-law was coming over to watch the girls and trying to get everything situated so the house was ready kept me occupied.  I don't remember the last time that I felt Declan move.  I know that I felt him rolling around at about midnight or one.  I feel horrible guilt over not noticing that he hadn't moved all morning.  I was just so preoccupied.
When we got to the doctors office we had to wait for awhile in the waiting room.  I saw another mother that I knew in the waiting room.  She was pregnant with a healthy baby boy and due about 2 days before us.  I hid so she wouldn't see me.  I was so anxious over Declan's health and jealous of her complication free pregnancy.  Next to us in the waiting room was another pregnant lady who had a little girl with her, who was probably about 3.  The little girl was having major meltdowns.  I recalled that I had a bunch of stickers in my purse and went over and offered them to her.  She calmed right down and sat playing happily.  We chatted with the mom.  That interaction is just burned in my brain.  Finally we were taken back by the ultrasound tech.  They said they would start the NST because the doctor was a little backed up.
The NST starts with the tech using the ultrasound wand to take measurements of things like fluid levels, etc.  Then usually they hook you up to monitor the baby's heart rate for awhile.  After she did the measurements, she didn't hook me up to the monitor.  I knew that something was wrong, but we had to sit there for like 20 minutes before they moved us to a private exam room and said the doctor would be in shortly.  I tried to dismiss it and calm myself and Nathan down, but I felt like I was holding my breath.  Finally after another 20-30 minutes the doctor came in.  He sat down and got out the ultrasound wand.  Then my world stopped.  He turned to us and said "I'm so very sorry, but there is no heartbeat".  The doctor held my hand and my stomach dropped out.  I don't remember much of what he said after that.  I was sobbing uncontrollably.  Nathan held me, while the doctor excused himself.  We sat there a long time.  The pain was so unbearable and then there was the fact that we still had to walk out past all those oblivious pregnant people who had babies who were alive.  It was the longest walk of my life to get back to the car.  Nathan made phone calls, while I sat in the car and cried.
Somehow we made it back to our house.  I remember my dad was taking care of the girls.  I remember my mom showing up and all of them leaving.  I remember collapsing in bed with Nathan and sobbing myself to sleep.  I remember waking up and the few seconds of peace before it all came crashing down around me.
Nathan and I drove thru somewhere for dinner and the cashier said have a nice day and all I could think was that there would never be another nice day.  My baby would always be dead, how could I possibly ever have a nice day again.
My parents came back with the girls so we could tell them what was going on and put them to bed.  That was the most horrific feeling ever.  The girls had been so excited about a baby brother, especially Fiona.  I felt like I had failed everyone.  I failed my sweet baby, my girls, my husband.  Answering Fiona's questions was hard.
I remember being worried about craft show stuff, since I was supposed to have a show the next day.  I was just so consumed with all these stupid little things because I just couldn't process reality.  I didn't sleep much that night.  We had to get up early to go to the hospital.  My parents showed up to get the girls and we made the horrible drive to the hospital.

Thankfulness Day 6: Declan

Today I am thankful for my son.  I am thankful that I got to carry him for 8 months, which was far too short. I am grateful for every kick and roll that I got to feel.  I am very thankful for the hours that we got to hold him in our arms and say good-bye.  I am thankful that I believe that I will get to see my sweet Declan again in Heaven.  I am very grateful for my friend, Kim, who was able to come up and take these photos for us.  I miss my little guy.

Thankfulness Day 5: Elsie

Today I am thankful for my Elsie Piper.  I love that goofball girl.  She is silly and sweet and a whole lot of sassy.  I am thankful for her silliness.  She quite often makes everyone giggle during stressful moments.  I am thankful for her constant business even though it makes me crazy.  She has a big heart and LOVES babies and animals.  I am thankful that she is quite a chatterbox for her age.  She has to keep up with her big sisters and is very insulted if left out of anything.

Thankfulness Day 4: Calina

Today I am thankful for my second born.  Calina Jean is a sweet, energetic girl with very big emotions.  I am very thankful for her constant snuggles and hugs, especially the last few weeks.  She and I speak the same love language so I am grateful for her snuggles.  She is funny, smart, and dances to the beat of her own drum.  I am thankful for her unique fashion sense and how she has blossomed into quite the stubborn spitfire since starting school this year.

Thankfulness Day 3: Fiona

Today I am thankful for Fiona.  Almost 5 years ago she made me a mommy and it has been a wonderful adventure.  She is so kind hearted and generous.  She keeps me on my toes constantly with her intelligence and high energy levels.  She is a social butterfly.  I am thankful that she is such a sweet, caring big sister and friend.

Thankful Day 2: Magnificent Treasures

Today I am thankful for my bow business and all the amazing people who have supported me in this adventure.  I love that I have the ability to be creative and crafty, while making some money for extra things for my family.  I love getting to go to craft shows and meet new people.  Plus, I have a pretty fantastic craft show partner.  I am blessed that I get to make a little extra money doing something that I really enjoy doing.  It gives me an outlet for my creativity and is often a stress reliever after a busy day with the kids.

Thankful 2013 Day 1

I am thankful for Nathan.  Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of our first real date (I don't count the sort of dates and years of just being friends before that).  I found my soul mate and my best friend in him.  He is my rock.  He teaches me patience.  He has the ability to make me laugh when I am in my darkest places.  He holds me when I need to cry.  God knew what he was doing when he sent Nathan into my life and I am grateful to have such a fantastic partner in life.  We have walked a busy road the last 10 years and our life has gone through a lot of changes.  I can't wait to see where the next 10 take us.

Halloween

October 21^st was Declan’s official due date and that day was hard, but this week has been hard too.  From the moment we knew a “due date” I just assumed he would be born about Halloween since Elsie was about 10 days late.  When people would ask when I was due, I would just tell them Halloween.  We had planned to dress up all as a family as Despicable Me 2.  The girls would be the little girls, my husband and I would dress up and Declan was supposed to be our little minion.  I even had a tiny minion hat knitted for him.  It is so hard to keep up a happy face for the girls today.  I’m supposed to have a tiny baby snuggled with me while we celebrate and go trick-or-treating.  We changed our costumes because the thought of still going as that was too hard.  

Will Halloween always be sad now?  It used to be one of my favorite holidays.  Nathan and I had our first date on Halloween.  We sat in my dorm room and watched scary movies on this day 10 years ago.  Hard to believe it has been that long.

I feel like every time I get through one hard day there is another day looming.  All the holidays and events that I used to look forward to, I am now dreading.  Just the thought of Christmas makes me want to puke.  I just can’t get my ahead around the fact that this is not going to end.  Mostly I can get lost in the daily stuff, but it still isn't the same.  And so many things trigger the tears.

Exhausted

More than any other feeling over the last almost 6 weeks I have felt exhausted.  Most of my days I walk around numb inside.  Sometimes the sadness overwhelms me and sometimes I rage at everything and everyone.  However, I am exhausted all the time.  I thought that I knew what exhaustion was before this, but my years of sleep deprivation with small children doesn't hold a candle to this.
Nathan and I attended a prayer service a couple weeks ago for National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day.  The priest was talking about speaking with his sister who had lost her baby and how she described just being tired.  That carrying this huge weight around all the time was so exhausting.  That sums it up perfectly.  I'm tired.  My heart hurts so much that my head can't begin to process all of this.  I am constantly walking around in a tired fog, surrounded by guilt.

Happy 4 Months, Elsie!

Time is flying by as usual.  Elsie is 4 months old now.  We took her to her checkup and she weighed in at 12 lbs 11 oz, which is the 33rd percentile.  She was 23.3 inches long, which is the 20th percentile.  She weighs about the same as Callie did, but is more than 2 inches shorter, which explains her kissable cheeks.

Hanging with Mommy in the Ergo (she spends a lot of time in there)

Elsie is still my happy sweet pea.  She loves people, especially her sisters.  They are still pretty excited about her too.  In fact, Elsie learned how to roll from her tummy to her back.  This was a problem, because she LOVES tummy time, so she would flip over and scream because she was angry.  Thank goodness she has 2 very loving and dedicated sisters who would sit next to her and flip her back over repeatedly.  She has since learned to roll back the other way.

Happy 4 months sweet, smiley girl!

Elsie is 3 Months Old

 Time is absolutely flying past.  Elsie is getting so big.  She's so cute with her chubby cheeks and thigh rolls.  She is already wearing clothes that Fiona wore when she was 9 months old!  That says more about how tiny my big girls were, but seems crazy to me.  She is such a happy baby!

 These pictures were taken before she discovered her great hatred for the carseat.  Recently, she has decided that she HATES her carseat.  To the point that I often have to pull over when we are driving places because she screams this awful scream and often makes herself choke and gag.  She sometimes will tolerate it now if I give her a blankie to snuggle.  She likes to hold a blankie and suck her thumb.

Chilling in the swing at Nana's house.  She can't have a swing at home because Callie likes to "help" her swing. 

 The big girls are still in love with the baby.  They are very good at keeping her entertained and still beg to hold her daily.

 She loves sitting in the Bumbo seat at the table, while we eat dinner.

Elsie has the best temperament.  She is so content with life and loves to giggle and flirt.  She already scoots herself around on her back and is definitely unsafe to leave unattended on top of anything.  I found her rolled over onto her tummy the other day, but I'm pretty sure Callie helped her do that.

We are sure blessed to have such a sweetie pie in our family :)

4th of July in Pictures

 My girls on the 4th of July

We went to a small parade in my parents' neighborhood.  Callie had a cookie with red frosting.  Can you tell? 

 Elsie slept while we walked in the little kid parade.

I made the kids some ribbon wands for the kids to wave in the parade.  Liam was much more interested in tossing them.

After the first parade we went to watch the Field Club parade.

Fiona, Millie, Callie

Helping Nana make sparklers 

Daddy let the girls do sparklers. 

Big Girl Date

We had been seeing the previews for the new Disney Brave movie for quite some time.  Fiona was dying to see it and had been asking since the first previews came out.  I thought the movie looked pretty cute so I was excited to take her to the movie.  She had only been to the movie theater one other time for Beauty and the Beast with Nathan and he said it was a disaster because she talked through the whole thing and wouldn't sit still.  It had been a couple of months so I wasn't too worried about it.  We invited my sister, Maura, and my BFF, Eileen, to go with us and left the little girls home with their Daddy.

Fiona was super excited. She talked about it all morning.  She looks a little tired because I actually had to wake her up from a nap to go.

Fiona did great at the movie.  There were a few places in the movie with bears that she got a little nervous about.  She also drank an entire glass of pop during the movie, so she was kind of bouncing off the walls by the end of the movie.

After the movie we walked over to Jones Bros. Cupcakes for a special treat.  Usually when we go there the girls split a cupcake, but since Callie wasn't there I let her have one of her own.

She was pretty excited about the cupcake.  It looked like a cupcake bomb went off under her chair.

She was literally bouncing around after all that sugar. 

Being silly with Maura and Eileen

My silly monkey girl and me

Fiona wore her Merida hair clip to the movie.  She was super excited about it. 

You can get one too in my etsy shop:
https://www.etsy.com/listing/101733387/merida-brave-princess-inspired-ribbon

Thea and Robbie Get Married

Nathan's sister, Thea got married to Robbie and the big girls got to be flower girls.

 My beautiful flower girls watching the bridesmaids get ready.

My MIL helping Thea with the veil.

All ready to throw those petals.

 Fiona had quite a lead on Callie.  Fiona raced down the aisle tossing handfuls of petals.  Callie slowly creeped down the aisle putting one petal down at a time.  They made quite the pair.

They both dumped their baskets at the end of the aisle.

My MIL made the hoopa.  It made a really beautiful setting for the ceremony.

The happy couple

An attempt at a bridal party picture, the girls were pretty much done standing still.

 Playing a little lawn golf before the reception started.

Fiona was a dancing queen.  She danced and danced and danced some more.  We had to literally drag her from the reception at 11 at night because she still wanted to dance.  If you don't know my kids that is super late for them.  We really never let them stay up late.  Since your aunt only gets married so often they got to stay up really late.  The little girls crashed, but Fiona was like the Energizer bunny.

Elsie just chilled all day and looked cute.

She found a friend to dance with.

My parents came to the reception.  It was nice to have an extra set of hands/eyes on the big girls because it was outside and there were these pretty little ponds full of frogs.  The girls were fascinated and their mommy was terrified they were going to fall in.

Father/daughter dance

First dance

We are so happy for Thea and Robbie!