Without a Net

Most days lately just speed along.  We've gotten used to our new normal.  My heart ache is just a dull throb in the background of life.  However, as I am marching along, sometimes a day sneaks up and hits my like a 2x4 to the stomach.  The pain and sadness roar their ugly heads and I can't remove myself from the fetal position on the couch.  The most random things can trigger the start of one of these days.  They happen far more frequently around the 21st of each month, with more intensity as we slowly crawl towards the anniversary of the worst day of my life.  Days like today when the tears fall silently all day long.  I try to save the sobbing for times when I'm alone and won't scare the girls so much.  Sometimes I cry even harder because it just isn't fair for them either.  I want them to have their happy mommy back.  I want them to not have to see mommy cry so often.  I hate that they are so well acquainted with sadness and death.
Life has sure been beating us down this year.  My prayer is for peace.  Peace for my family throughout the stresses this year has thrown at us.  Peace for Nathan and I in our sorrow.