Without a Net

Most days lately just speed along. We've gotten used to our new normal. My heart ache is just a dull throb in the background of life. However, as I am marching along, sometimes a day sneaks up and hits my like a 2x4 to the stomach. The pain and sadness roar their ugly heads and I can't remove myself from the fetal position on the couch. The most random things can trigger the start of one of these days. They happen far more frequently around the 21st of each month, with more intensity as we slowly crawl towards the anniversary of the worst day of my life. Days like today when the tears fall silently all day long. I try to save the sobbing for times when I'm alone and won't scare the girls so much. Sometimes I cry even harder because it just isn't fair for them either. I want them to have their happy mommy back. I want them to not have to see mommy cry so often. I hate that they are so well acquainted with sadness and death.
Life has sure been beating us down this year. My prayer is for peace. Peace for my family throughout the stresses this year has thrown at us. Peace for Nathan and I in our sorrow.

The last couple of days that last doctors appointment keeps playing on repeat in my brain. It was supposed to be a day filled with nervous excitement. We were supposed to be scheduling the day that we would meet Declan face to face, instead it turned into my personal hell.
That week on Tuesday I had a NST (non-stress test) and for the first time he didn't have a reactive heart strip in the first 15 minutes. That isn't always a problem, sometimes baby is just sleeping. The tech pulled out the ultrasound wand and after several minutes of poking and prodding got him to move enough times that I got to leave. The rest of the day Declan was pretty quiet. Part of me worried, but I was still getting enough movement on kick counts and I knew that the girls had always had these quiet days during pregnancy also. I hoped it meant he was growing and growing. Wednesday he still wasn't quite as active as he normally was, but still passing kick counts. Thursday he started moving more normally and breathed a big sigh of relief. I remember working very late on clips Thursday night and just enjoying the feeling of him rolling and doing somersaults. I had trouble sleeping Thursday night. I was up and down and just feeling anxious.
In hindsight, I wonder if Tuesday was the first sign that something was wrong. I have wished a million times over that I had insisted on seeing the doctor on Tuesday or Wednesday when my gut was saying something was wrong. They probably would have dismissed me, but it is hard to let go of that guilt.
Friday morning I was up early with the girls and running around trying to prepare for being gone for the day. My mother-in-law was coming over to watch the girls and trying to get everything situated so the house was ready kept me occupied. I don't remember the last time that I felt Declan move. I know that I felt him rolling around at about midnight or one. I feel horrible guilt over not noticing that he hadn't moved all morning. I was just so preoccupied.
When we got to the doctors office we had to wait for awhile in the waiting room. I saw another mother that I knew in the waiting room. She was pregnant with a healthy baby boy and due about 2 days before us. I hid so she wouldn't see me. I was so anxious over Declan's health and jealous of her complication free pregnancy. Next to us in the waiting room was another pregnant lady who had a little girl with her, who was probably about 3. The little girl was having major meltdowns. I recalled that I had a bunch of stickers in my purse and went over and offered them to her. She calmed right down and sat playing happily. We chatted with the mom. That interaction is just burned in my brain. Finally we were taken back by the ultrasound tech. They said they would start the NST because the doctor was a little backed up.
The NST starts with the tech using the ultrasound wand to take measurements of things like fluid levels, etc. Then usually they hook you up to monitor the baby's heart rate for awhile. After she did the measurements, she didn't hook me up to the monitor. I knew that something was wrong, but we had to sit there for like 20 minutes before they moved us to a private exam room and said the doctor would be in shortly. I tried to dismiss it and calm myself and Nathan down, but I felt like I was holding my breath. Finally after another 20-30 minutes the doctor came in. He sat down and got out the ultrasound wand. Then my world stopped. He turned to us and said "I'm so very sorry, but there is no heartbeat". The doctor held my hand and my stomach dropped out. I don't remember much of what he said after that. I was sobbing uncontrollably. Nathan held me, while the doctor excused himself. We sat there a long time. The pain was so unbearable and then there was the fact that we still had to walk out past all those oblivious pregnant people who had babies who were alive. It was the longest walk of my life to get back to the car. Nathan made phone calls, while I sat in the car and cried.
Somehow we made it back to our house. I remember my dad was taking care of the girls. I remember my mom showing up and all of them leaving. I remember collapsing in bed with Nathan and sobbing myself to sleep. I remember waking up and the few seconds of peace before it all came crashing down around me.
Nathan and I drove thru somewhere for dinner and the cashier said have a nice day and all I could think was that there would never be another nice day. My baby would always be dead, how could I possibly ever have a nice day again.
My parents came back with the girls so we could tell them what was going on and put them to bed. That was the most horrific feeling ever. The girls had been so excited about a baby brother, especially Fiona. I felt like I had failed everyone. I failed my sweet baby, my girls, my husband. Answering Fiona's questions was hard.
I remember being worried about craft show stuff, since I was supposed to have a show the next day. I was just so consumed with all these stupid little things because I just couldn't process reality. I didn't sleep much that night. We had to get up early to go to the hospital. My parents showed up to get the girls and we made the horrible drive to the hospital.