Thankful Day 2: Magnificent Treasures

Today I am thankful for my bow business and all the amazing people who have supported me in this adventure.  I love that I have the ability to be creative and crafty, while making some money for extra things for my family.  I love getting to go to craft shows and meet new people.  Plus, I have a pretty fantastic craft show partner.  I am blessed that I get to make a little extra money doing something that I really enjoy doing.  It gives me an outlet for my creativity and is often a stress reliever after a busy day with the kids.

Thankful 2013 Day 1

I am thankful for Nathan.  Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of our first real date (I don't count the sort of dates and years of just being friends before that).  I found my soul mate and my best friend in him.  He is my rock.  He teaches me patience.  He has the ability to make me laugh when I am in my darkest places.  He holds me when I need to cry.  God knew what he was doing when he sent Nathan into my life and I am grateful to have such a fantastic partner in life.  We have walked a busy road the last 10 years and our life has gone through a lot of changes.  I can't wait to see where the next 10 take us.

Halloween

October 21^st was Declan’s official due date and that day was hard, but this week has been hard too.  From the moment we knew a “due date” I just assumed he would be born about Halloween since Elsie was about 10 days late.  When people would ask when I was due, I would just tell them Halloween.  We had planned to dress up all as a family as Despicable Me 2.  The girls would be the little girls, my husband and I would dress up and Declan was supposed to be our little minion.  I even had a tiny minion hat knitted for him.  It is so hard to keep up a happy face for the girls today.  I’m supposed to have a tiny baby snuggled with me while we celebrate and go trick-or-treating.  We changed our costumes because the thought of still going as that was too hard.  

Will Halloween always be sad now?  It used to be one of my favorite holidays.  Nathan and I had our first date on Halloween.  We sat in my dorm room and watched scary movies on this day 10 years ago.  Hard to believe it has been that long.

I feel like every time I get through one hard day there is another day looming.  All the holidays and events that I used to look forward to, I am now dreading.  Just the thought of Christmas makes me want to puke.  I just can’t get my ahead around the fact that this is not going to end.  Mostly I can get lost in the daily stuff, but it still isn't the same.  And so many things trigger the tears.

Exhausted

More than any other feeling over the last almost 6 weeks I have felt exhausted.  Most of my days I walk around numb inside.  Sometimes the sadness overwhelms me and sometimes I rage at everything and everyone.  However, I am exhausted all the time.  I thought that I knew what exhaustion was before this, but my years of sleep deprivation with small children doesn't hold a candle to this.
Nathan and I attended a prayer service a couple weeks ago for National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day.  The priest was talking about speaking with his sister who had lost her baby and how she described just being tired.  That carrying this huge weight around all the time was so exhausting.  That sums it up perfectly.  I'm tired.  My heart hurts so much that my head can't begin to process all of this.  I am constantly walking around in a tired fog, surrounded by guilt.

Happy 4 Months, Elsie!

Time is flying by as usual.  Elsie is 4 months old now.  We took her to her checkup and she weighed in at 12 lbs 11 oz, which is the 33rd percentile.  She was 23.3 inches long, which is the 20th percentile.  She weighs about the same as Callie did, but is more than 2 inches shorter, which explains her kissable cheeks.

Hanging with Mommy in the Ergo (she spends a lot of time in there)

Elsie is still my happy sweet pea.  She loves people, especially her sisters.  They are still pretty excited about her too.  In fact, Elsie learned how to roll from her tummy to her back.  This was a problem, because she LOVES tummy time, so she would flip over and scream because she was angry.  Thank goodness she has 2 very loving and dedicated sisters who would sit next to her and flip her back over repeatedly.  She has since learned to roll back the other way.

Happy 4 months sweet, smiley girl!